Matt Goldich | June 2003

Circle Gets the Square

Thursday, June 05, 2003

YOU GOTTA LOVE SPORTS: Today's column will be devoted entirely to the world of sports. So if you don't like sports, go read something else. Like my archives, in their entirety. CORK LOIN CALYPSO: Still hard to believe that Sammy Sosa's bat was corked. Of all people who would need to cheat to get a competitive edge, he'd be one of the last people I'd expect, giant steroid-addled head notwithstanding (because if everybody does it, it's not cheating right?) And I don't buy his "practice bat" excuse at all - that's like me saying I use a practice microphone that comes up with brilliant punchlines for me when I'm doing stand-up in the shower. Without Sosa, there's only one thing the Cubs can do if they want to stay in the pennant race - get general manager Dan Hedaya to recruit Thomas Ian Nicholas and his cannon to pitch for the team until his magic arm no longer works and he has to rely on the hidden-ball trick and the "floater" in the playoffs. What, you're telling me they're going to ride Chet Steadman to the Series? That's preposterous! THE CAROUSEL CONTINUES: Here's the latest from the NBA coaching rumor mill: The Blazers will let Mo Cheeks walk to the Sixers, saying he isn't enough of a disciplinarian to keep the team in line, and hire Dan Lauria, the dad from the Wonder Years and the basketball coach from that Showtime series. Lauria's first order of business will be to make Qyntel Woods clean the leaves out of the Rose Garden's rain gutters. The Wizards will hire Lenny Wilkens' corpse and go 30-52 next year. The Raptors will hire native Canadian Rick Moranis, who will eventually relent and let his tomboy daughter play for the team. They won't be very big, or very talented, but they'll have a lot of pluck, and they'll sweep the season series with the Hawks, coached by his brother, Ed O'Neill. The Clippers, in a pathetic and transparent attempt to achieve legitimacy, will hire the same guy who plays Jim Morrison in the new version of the Doors, and they will go 0-82. Finally, the Rockets will hire Pat Morita, who will inspire Yao Ming to greatness with a number of unorthodox practice methods, lead the Rockets to the title in his second season, and promptly retire to sit in a hot tub and receive massages from topless, large-chested women in soft-core Skinemax movies. SHATTERED FANTASY: Somebody tell me why this team is in eighth place out of twelve in my baseball fantasy league: C: Mike Lieberthal 1B: Todd Helton 2B: Ray Durham SS: Capt. Derek Jeter 3B: Eric Chavez (who, admittedly, is hitting more like JC Chasez) OF: Preston Wilson, Carl Everett, Ken Griffey, Rocco Baldelli (not to be confused with Rocco DiSpirito or Rocco's Modern Life), Geoff Jenkins SP: Tim Hudson, Roy Oswalt, Gil Meche, Roy Halladay, Carlos Zambrano RP: Armando Benitez, Scott Williamson Manager: Matt Goldich (who may be fired any day now and replaced with Jack McKeon, or possibly Nancy McKeon) Seriously, if anybody has any ideas of where I am weak, either position-wise or stat-wise, and what I might be able to trade that would have some value, please let me know. TOMORROW: I will stop trying to be the Sports Guy. Actually, I'll be at home in Philly so I may not be able to write but I'll do my best.