Matt Goldich | December 2006

Circle Gets the Square

Monday, December 04, 2006

Well, it has been forever since I did this, so why the hell not...

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK

I saw recently that George Clooney was named Sexiest Man of the Year for the second time. I'm not interested in him in a sexual way, but I would pay a lot of money to know how often he pleasures himself. I mean, he's the sexiest man alive, he could probably get any woman he wants...but surely sometimes he must just get the urge to do it himself, right?

I think the thing that really encapsulates what Judaism is all about is this: Most Jewish mothers would be less upset if their kids told them they didn't believe in God than if they told them they weren't coming home for the High Holidays.

One thing you never want to hear from the guy giving you your HIV test is, "Sure, I remember you from the last time you were here."

Did you ever meet somebody that just shares way too much information with you way too soon? You tell them, "My dad is in real estate," and they're like, "My mom had a really bad drug problem for a while." And then you're like, "Um, yeah, can I have the check?"

Recently I did a show at for some high school students in Connecticut. The show was at a community center where they host bands and comedians to keep the kids from partying and drinking on Friday nights. Of course, when I was in high school, they had a much more effective way of keeping me from going to parties, which was that no one told me about them.

I would say out of all the comedians who've influenced me over the years, the one my sense of humor is most similar to is your Dad.

A lot of guys want to have a threesome. Me, I'm just happy to be part of a twosome. I'm bragging to my friends afterward: "Dude, I totally single-teamed that chick!"

Which reminds me, any time there's a plane crash, the victim I feel the worst for is the guy who'll never be able to tell anyone that he joined the Mile High Club.

One time I did a show at a college and this guy came up to me afterward and was like, "Dude, what are you doing now?" It was pretty clear he wanted me to go smoke weed with him. Nobody's ever been like, "Dude what are you doing now? You wanna go get some polenta?" Anyway, I politely declined, and he tried to peer pressure me: "The last guy who came here smoked with us!" I asked him who the last guy was, and he told me it was a guy who pounded nails into his head onstage. That made me feel a little better about not wanting to go smoke weed in some kid's dorm room at 10 pm on a random Tuesday.