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I'm in the midst of trying to grow a beard for the first time ever, but it's not exactly growing in the way I'd hoped. So instead of checking out girls on the subway I've been checking out guys with beards, trying to figure out what they have that I don't. I'm sure some of them are pretty creeped out, but if anyone confronts me, I'm just like, "No, I was just examining the texture of your facial hair, I swear I'm not trying to pick you up...but while I'm at it, I couldn't help but notice you probably shouldn't be wearing pleated pants. Have you thought about flat-fronts?"

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