Matt Goldich | September 2003

Circle Gets the Square

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

FROM THE MIXED UP FILES OF MATTHEW H. GOLDICH When you are a comedian, you get into the habit of writing down anything you think of that has the potential to be funny. Only a very small percentage of the things I write down end up making it into my regular act, and a lot of them never even get performed at all. Usually this occurs because I look back at a note and find that either it is not funny, or I can't remember what was funny about it. I thought I would share some of these thoughts with you, the CGTS readers. Here are some actual notes I've scribbled down over the past year or so - if you have any idea what any of these mean, or why they're funny, feel free to share it with me: I didn't always like wearing jeans Why do girls pack so much when their clothes are so small old men with short haircuts guy in Kurt Warner jersey only willing to hold poles on new subway lines "Price is Right" Cliffhanger yodeling music minority-owned businesses competing bachelorette parties philosophy professor told me I was right 2 consecutive girlfriends ran up high cellphone bills guy flinging umbrella at door just figured out why they call it Doublemint People are running...should I be? "Talking on the phone to a girl" voice Every Irish pub has "Restrooms" written in same font breaking up over "coffee" or other contrived non-meals "This isn't a crack house, it's a crack home" Ari O'Speedwagon naked girl sweatshirt the cookie tray and the bag morning-after puker "run along, little scamp" old people & shortcuts (no traffic lights) Talking to homeless = clicking on pop-up ad Matt Pinfield "I'm never near a glass of water" aggressively straight male figure skater crossing street just to have something to do "A little vino?" Human League what does seminal mean? 2 for 1 apple pie "ugly sunglasses" farting with headphones on fisting tournament American Psycho/Huey Lewis "Give Up the Night" CPR for dogs at 11 Any ideas?