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LOCAL NEWS: Check out this story from the Post, about a stabbing victim who interrupted some people eating outside at Da Silvano. I love the reaction of the lady in the fifth and sixth paragraph: "He ran out of there screaming, 'I got stabbed! I got stabbed!' " said Betsy Apple, 24, who had just been served her appetizer. "There were people ducking under the table," she said. "We were all scared. We thought somebody might have had a gun." Other than the fact that people ducked under their tables instead of trying to help the guy, it's pretty hilarious that a man started screaming, "I got stabbed!" and people assumed he had been stabbed with a gun. "Everybody down! He might have a bayonet!" Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

UPDATE: Adam and I went to Matt Dillon's manager's office today and handed him (the manager) a copy of the screenplay. We couldn't believe how easy it was. We were expecting to get kicked out and instead he shook my hand. Of course Matt told us to give it to his manager, but he was just blowing us off, not making an actual suggestion - bet he never thought we'd actually do it. And he told us to send it, not hand-deliver it. Later we got an e-mail asking us for more info on the script. Crazy. I'll keep you posted on my Hollywood adventure. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: My friend Adam and I were walking out of Kinko's today with several copies of our screenplay when we saw Matt Dillon walking with another gentleman on the other side of the street. Adam suggested I should try to hand him a copy of the script, but I said he should since he's better at that sort of thing. So Adam took a minute to get up his courage, then ran to catch up with him. I watched the whole thing from about 20 feet away. Adam approached him and asked him to look at it. He tried to keep walking but Adam kept talking to him. I couldn't hear what they were saying to another, but Dillon appeared to be pointing and gesturing angrily and I swore I saw his mouth say the words, "I'm not going to read your script!" Eventually he kept walking. Adam said they actually had a pleasant conversation and that he suggested we send a copy to his manager. But he looked pretty pissed off from where I was standing. This story would be a lot better if Matt Dillon either a) took the script, read it, and loved it or b) punched Adam, but I think it's still pretty cool. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The more times someone drunklenly proclaims, "I love you guys!", the less inclined I am to believe them. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I always found it strange that "exposed brick" is a desirable quality in an apartment. It sounds like a bad thing, like exposed wires. Hey, there's a reason I don't call them "Joke of the Day". Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

HOT LINK: Funny, Onion-esque sports parody website, courtesy of Jim Malerba. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Hi, I'm comedian Matt Goldich. You know, they say that one good turn deserves another. That's why, when I print out articles to read in the bathroom at work, I always leave them in the stall afterwards for others to enjoy. Remember, kids, sharing means caring. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THE WORLD'S WORST NETFLIX QUEUE

Sorority Boys

Ghost Dad

Hellbound: Hellraiser 2

Dog's Eye View: Live in Concert

Exit to Eden

Spice World

The Life of David Gale

Small Wonder: The Complete First Season

B.A.P.S.

Ladybugs

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: What's with the expression "I beg to differ"? Why do you need to beg? If you want to disagree with me on some minute point, be my guest. Get off your knees, dude. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

DO THE MATH: News flash! CBS is pitting its new "CSI" franchise up against NBC's "Law & Order". The media is passing this off as headline news, as if CBS is "challenging" NBC. However, now that there are three "CSI"s and four "Law and Order"s, that means that, with 22 hours of prime-time programming, by my calculations, there is a greater than fifty percent chance that one franchise would be pitted against the other. If someone mathematically inclined could confirm this for me I would be grateful. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

BOOK REVIEW: A while ago I posted a review of my friend's crossword puzzle book on Amazon.com. Check it out. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

STAR POWER: I just walked by Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. The three celebrities whose photos they had outside were Whoopi Goldberg, Larry King, and Evander Holyfield. Boy, if that doesn't draw people into the museum, I don't know what will. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

SWEET PERFECTION: Randy Johnson of the Arizona Diamondbacks threw a perfect game against the Atlanta Braves on Tuesday night. That means he retired all 27 batters he faced. Here was the line-up he faced: J. Garcia SS J. Franco 1B C. Jones LF A. Jones CF J. Estrada C J. Drew RF M. Derosa 3B N. Green 2B M. Hampton P I also had the perfect set last night. Here were the jokes I told: Wet Willies Red Rover Bill Cosby's "Dentist" routine George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" Chris Rock's "Niggaz vs. Black People" Several minutes of farting noises You, Dad, I Learned it From Watching You Take that, Big Unit. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: How did vanilla become synonymous with bland? Not only is vanilla a tasty ice cream flavor in its own right, it is the foundation for many of our greatest flavors, including Cookies n' Cream and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Plus most of the best-smelling female body lotions/perfumes involve vanilla in some form. If they're going to pick a flavor to represent bland tastelessness, I say why not club soda? Now that stuff sucks! Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

READER POLL: Do you like the new blog format? Comments please! Also, don't forget to check out my calendar at http://goldichlive.blogspot.com. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: One of my friends, on his Friendster profile, lists his music preferences as "everything but rap". What a pleasant way of admitting you're a racist. Why not just write, under "People I'd Like to Meet", that you're interested in befriending "everyone but black people"? Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

FAREWELL FALLON: I see that Jimmy Fallon has decided to leave Saturday Night Live. For some reason while reading this article I began to laugh uncontrollably. I blame Horatio Sanz. I used to be an NBC page - I had been working there for about a week when Jimmy showed up at a house party I was at with some other pages. At the time I thought it was really cool - I was new to New York, still impressed by celebrity sightings, and I thought he was great on the show. Over time I grew tired of his antics. However, I still think he has the potential to be really funny - his impression of Conan on "Late Night" last week was hilarious - and I hope he ends up having a successful movie career. Like Chris Kattan. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When I was a kid my Dad used to make us spaghetti every Sunday night for dinner. We used to call it "Dad's Famous Spaghetti" because it was usually my mom who did the cooking, and spaghetti was the one thing my Dad could cook well. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized how easy it is to cook spaghetti. Basically you just throw it in a pot of hot water and heat up some sauce from the jar. In retrospect Dad's spaghetti did not deserve nearly as much fame as it accumulated. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

CHANGE OF PACE: I've been noticing recently that it's been harder and harder to find the time and energy to write substantially long blog posts several times a week. So, after some serious soul-searching (i.e. five minutes on the crapper) I've decided to attempt a new strategy. I'm just going to post something, however brief, whenever the mood strikes me. I'm going to try this for a week or so and see if I enjoy it more. I encourage your thoughts as well. For starters, check out this headline in the New York Times: "With Festive Mood, Gay Weddings Begin in Massachusetts" . Hmm, what's the deal with those couples in Massachusetts...they seem bit "festive" to me, don't you think?

I think this is going really well.

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PHILLY PRIDE: I'll be performing in my hometown of Philadelphia this Friday, May 14. To celebrate, here are a list of cool things I remember about growing up in Philly: - Lisa Thomas-Laury, Jim Gardner, Marc Howard, and the whole Channel 6 Action News team - F.C. Kerbeck - running up the Art Museum steps like Rocky - Doe Mountain is...the fastest way to hit the slopes! - The CBS/NBC, Channel 3-Channel 10 flip-flop - watching the rowers on the Schuylkill River alongside Kelly Drive - The Wing Bowl sponsored by 610-WIP. - cheesesteaks, soft pretzels, and Rita's water ice - seeing how fast you can get throught the heart at the Franklin Institute - KYW...newsradio...1060! - Dick Vermeil Blue Cross/Blue Shield commercials - "The Great Sports Debate" with Angelo Cataldi, Glen Macnow, Al Morganti, Jayson Stark, and occasionally Mike Missanelli - The transition from Eagle 106 to WDRE 103.9 to Y100 - "Rap Around" with Ukee Washington - the middle lane on the expressway where you can either get off onto 676 or stay on 76 - your choice! There are probably about three or four people who would have enjoyed that and I don't think any of them read this blog. Anyway, here's the info about the show: Friday, May 14, 2004HEADLOCK IV: HOW HEADLOCK GOT HER GROOVE BACK! The Five Spot 5 S. Bank St. (Just off Market St. btwn. 2nd & 3rd) Philadelphia, PA Showtime: 9:00 (Doors open 8:30) A mere $5 gets you: A host: • Mike Bosniak (Comedy Central's Laugh Riot Contest Semi-Finalist) And a first-rate lineup of comedians: • Matt Goldich (Comedy Central's Laugh Riot Contest Semi-Finalist) • Ange Goldstein (Boston Comedy Club's Rising Stars Contest Finalist) • Mark Sam Rosenthal (UCB Theatre) • Stuckey & Murray (www.soundclick.com/stuckeyandmurray) If you live in NYC and would like to see me perform there, check out my calendar of upcoming shows at http://goldichlive.blogspot.com. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

IDIOM WIND: Many of my readers are recent immigrants to the U.S. who are trying to learn English. One of the most difficult things about the English language is learning our unique idioms, which, when translated literally, do not mean the same thing in other languages. So, I thought I'd help some of my readers by explaning the meaning and origin of some common expressions: "There's no two ways to write home about it" - Something that's so boring it can only be described in the simplest of terms. Like summer camp. "Add fuel to injury" - To make a bad situation worse. From the ancient Icelandic tradition of pouring gasoline on the crippled. "If you want to make an omelette, you gotta spill some milk" - This is a reminder from Julia Child that you need milk to make a good omelette. Gin can be substituted for milk. "The straw that got the monkey off my back" - The event that finally changes a situation. From the famous science experiment by Dr. Karl Wertschultz in which monkeys were given piggy-back rides and then were beaten with straws. "Wet behind the eight ball" - A famous sexual technique invented by pool hustlers. "Read between the rock and a hard place" - Is this bit getting old yet? "Kill two early birds with one worm" - Being diligent will kill you, eventually. Sleep late, laze around, and avoid the proverbial poisoned worm. "Cross the water under the bridge when I come to it" - To await an event which has already occurred. Coined by Mark Twain's mentally challenged brother, who repeatedly circled his parents' backyard pool by steamboat. "Take the bull into the china shop" - To court disaster. From the famous story involving Luke Perry and a room full of Wedgwood. "Mind your own monkey business" - Originally said by Dr. Wertschultz when the scientist in the office next door walked in on him being "intimate" with his primates. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

WHOOPS: Hey everybody, sorry I have been so bad about posting this week. I have actually been insanely busy and haven't had time to post anything worthwhile. Unfortunately, other aspects of my life have been suffering as well - my free two-week Netflix trial ends on Sunday and I've only had time to watch one of the movies they sent me! It's also been a stressful week - our new offices are in Times Square and just walking the two blocks from the subway to work raises my blood pressure to...whatever an unacceptable level of blood pressure is. Seriously, I've been a tourist before and I feel like a jerk yelling "Move!" at people who are just standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk when I'm trying to get to the deli for lunch. Still, I think it would be fun if about 50,000 of us decided to go somewhere in Virginia one day and just swamp a suburban office park, standing around staring and pointing at stuff, just to piss them off. And if that wasn't enough to get me really angry...there was the "Friends" finale last night. Mostly, I'm angry at myself, actually, for succumbing and watching it. I would love to be one of those people who is able to take a moral position and stand by it, but I just don't have that kind of willpower. So, in a week when there were a million other things I could've been doing, I wasted an hour of my time cursing myself for being weak-minded. By the way, can you believe Ross and Rachel actually got together? This is turning into quite an angry post, so I'll turn to some good news - thankfully, Major League Baseball has scaled back its idiotic plan to promote "Spider-Man 2" by painting webs on the bases during a weekend in June. What bothers me isn't so much the commercialism of the whole thing - it's much too late to save society from that. What's more annoying is the fact that...hmmm, even if this is good news, I'm somehow even angrier than before. Better not go down that road. I have to ask: in the vast cesspool that is our planet, is there anything that can cheer me up? Anything I can feel good about? Yes, my friends, there is: Li'l GNR - the "First Ever Guns n' Roses Kids Tribute Band". I'm seeing them on Saturday at CBGB's and I couldn't be more excited. Finally, a reason to go on living. Enjoy your weekend, everybody. I know I will. Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

THE TEN COOLEST CD'S I OWN:

Doolittle - The Pixies
Exile on Main Street - The Rolling Stones
Greatest Hits - Sam Cooke
So Much For the City - The Thrills
Warren Zevon - Warren Zevon
When I Was Born For the 7th Time - Cornershop
Return of the Grievous Angel - A Tribute to Gram Parsons
Funk Classics - The 70s
The Good Old Boys - Randy Newman
Blonde on Blonde - Bob Dylan

THE TEN LEAST COOL CD'S I OWN:

Pocket Full of Kryptonite - Spin Doctors
The Very Best of Foreigner...and Beyond
Soundtrack - Orgazmo
10 From 6 - Bad Company
Funky Divas - En Vogue
New Miserable Experience - Gin Blossoms
Woodstock '94
Dulcinea - Toad the Wet Sprocket
70's Dance Machine
The Jerky Boys

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SEE ME LIVE: Hey everybody, I've created another blog which will contain a calendar of my upcoming stand-up shows. I plan to update a couple of times a week. If you want to know where to see me perform please check out http://goldichlive.blogspot.com. Thanks! Leave a Comment | 0 Comments

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